Leaning In

Divorce makes you think a lot about dreams. I thought about all the dreams I had and all the worries I had, none of it came true, but I did experience it all in my head.

I wanted to be in a relationship and experience all that, and now I'm not in a hurry anymore.

I wanted to finish school as soon as possible back then, Now I wish I would have simply enjoyed it more without wishing for the next step.

All these moments, good and bad, eventually ends. 

So, I'm going to go fully in, just this moment. 

No thinking about fake scenarios or dreams.

Just this moment, right here, right now.

Directions

 The president was kicked out and a new (same old) president was elected since the last time I blogged here. Crazy how things have been. I honestly did not expect that it would be such a huge turnout, let alone a successful one in terms of the outcome. 

But, now what?

I can see disagreements among the organizers of the people's movement. A request for establishing an official political party was rejected - but is the the correct way of going about? Maybe the system has to be changed from within, from the existing parties, by joining them and changing. What are the chances of a brand new political party changing the mindset of long held views? 

Anyway only thing certain is uncertainty. Just like life.

The space between

 Since officially becoming single, part of me craved a real relationship. Well not part of me, all of me craved a relationship, I just couldn't handle all the time I had in my head space, all the nurturing needs and I just wanted to love. The thing is, the universe made sure I had some down time to myself to identify the issues I had within myself which made me lower my standards to get into dysfunctional relationships.

A deep dive made me realize that I got married for all the wrong reasons, no wonder the marriage failed.

So much more to learn about myself, the thought of being alone forever scares me, more than loneliness, I want to experience what its like to be in a real relationship. The sort of relationship that allows you to post a pic on FB (my ex husband was never FB friends with me, go figure), or make plans together or just a normal relationship. 

Typing this made me realize that I was in the most weirdest marriage in the history of marriages.

Which brings me back to - there's a lot I need to learn about myself

A year later

 It's been almost a year since I officially called quits on a decade long relationship. While I was in it, I clearly stated what was okay and what was not okay (only now I realize that teaching things like these was not my job, yes, working through mistakes is one thing, but I didn't have to say that cheating is not okay). The problem was, the other party took advantage of my need to give chances and focus on the best of people. The universe gave a clear exit for me a year ago, and I took it.

What I realized was, the past year I have been grieving and reliving those moments to the extent of not even realizing that it has been a year. A decade of my life was already spent on this person and I spent an additional year reliving the past horrors (also some good moments). The whole point of calling it quits was to give my mind some peace and quiet (finally) after enduring so much trauma. Before I even think about how I want to spend whatever time I have left, I need to stop reliving in the past. 

 The ex will not be a part of my future, so having thoughts about him (anger, sadness, etc) is simply going back to a past that  doesn't exist in the now. I need to keep reminding myself of this and keep focusing on the present.