Leaning In

Divorce makes you think a lot about dreams. I thought about all the dreams I had and all the worries I had, none of it came true, but I did experience it all in my head.

I wanted to be in a relationship and experience all that, and now I'm not in a hurry anymore.

I wanted to finish school as soon as possible back then, Now I wish I would have simply enjoyed it more without wishing for the next step.

All these moments, good and bad, eventually ends. 

So, I'm going to go fully in, just this moment. 

No thinking about fake scenarios or dreams.

Just this moment, right here, right now.

Directions

 The president was kicked out and a new (same old) president was elected since the last time I blogged here. Crazy how things have been. I honestly did not expect that it would be such a huge turnout, let alone a successful one in terms of the outcome. 

But, now what?

I can see disagreements among the organizers of the people's movement. A request for establishing an official political party was rejected - but is the the correct way of going about? Maybe the system has to be changed from within, from the existing parties, by joining them and changing. What are the chances of a brand new political party changing the mindset of long held views? 

Anyway only thing certain is uncertainty. Just like life.

The space between

 Since officially becoming single, part of me craved a real relationship. Well not part of me, all of me craved a relationship, I just couldn't handle all the time I had in my head space, all the nurturing needs and I just wanted to love. The thing is, the universe made sure I had some down time to myself to identify the issues I had within myself which made me lower my standards to get into dysfunctional relationships.

A deep dive made me realize that I got married for all the wrong reasons, no wonder the marriage failed.

So much more to learn about myself, the thought of being alone forever scares me, more than loneliness, I want to experience what its like to be in a real relationship. The sort of relationship that allows you to post a pic on FB (my ex husband was never FB friends with me, go figure), or make plans together or just a normal relationship. 

Typing this made me realize that I was in the most weirdest marriage in the history of marriages.

Which brings me back to - there's a lot I need to learn about myself

A year later

 It's been almost a year since I officially called quits on a decade long relationship. While I was in it, I clearly stated what was okay and what was not okay (only now I realize that teaching things like these was not my job, yes, working through mistakes is one thing, but I didn't have to say that cheating is not okay). The problem was, the other party took advantage of my need to give chances and focus on the best of people. The universe gave a clear exit for me a year ago, and I took it.

What I realized was, the past year I have been grieving and reliving those moments to the extent of not even realizing that it has been a year. A decade of my life was already spent on this person and I spent an additional year reliving the past horrors (also some good moments). The whole point of calling it quits was to give my mind some peace and quiet (finally) after enduring so much trauma. Before I even think about how I want to spend whatever time I have left, I need to stop reliving in the past. 

 The ex will not be a part of my future, so having thoughts about him (anger, sadness, etc) is simply going back to a past that  doesn't exist in the now. I need to keep reminding myself of this and keep focusing on the present. 

                                            

Impulse Control

 I recently read the book, Thinking Fast and Slow by Daniel Kahneman, it has interesting theories about the workings of the human mind. For example, What You See Is All There Is (WYSIATI) was probably the concept that really caught my eye. How our minds are made up about a person, situation or event only based on what we see. Intellectually we understand that there is more to any person or situation than we can see, yet, we make quick judgements on WYSIATI. Made me wonder whether any of us are in any control of our minds or bodies. If these are automatic mechanisms, what hope do we have to actually see things realistically?

Which brings me to impulse control. We tell kids to control themselves, get angry at them for not being able to do so. As adults, we struggle so much with so many impulses. Once you hit a certain age you are already wired to react to things based on your childhood and other traumatic experiences that you go through. How many of us can actually look within and understand why we behave the way we do? I for once have been struggling for some time with impulse control and quite frustrated that I haven't gotten better at controlling it. Maybe that's how I'm wired? Who decides human wiring mechanism anyway?

Which brings me to a statement made by the husband of social researcher Brené Brown. He pointed out to her that "people are doing the very best they can at any given moment".I remember reading that Brené Brown got angry hearing this, actually I got angry too. But several years later, I'm beginning to see the wisdom of that statement. Think about it. 

At any given moment, a person interacts with you based on his or her -

• childhood upbringing
• beliefs
• trauma
• fears
• internal relationship with self
• mood
• stress
• how he/she see the world
  
• religious beliefs
• (this list can go on)

 

 The point is, at any given moment, a person behaves based on all of these and more. When they know how to do things better, they will do things better. That's part of growth.

"people are doing the very best they can at any given moment"

I'm starting to warm up to this statement.....

 
 
 
 
 
 
 

A state of curfew

 With the complete halting of distribution of fuel to private vehicles, the roads are now deserted. Those who thought things cannot get any worse can actually see how things are getting worse. The crime rate keeps going up, frustration rising and overall the mood is doom and gloom.

With all this going on, I see the occasional posts on FB from people driven by altruism, posts about free transport to hospitals by private vehicle owners, transport to schools etc. Some offer to pay electricity and water bills to those who cannot afford it. The balance of it all makes life a bit more tolerable.

I keep wondering about whether to stay, if I let fear rule, I would want to go. But the thing is, the thought of leaving brings a deep resistance within me. In my experience, when I had to work too hard to get something, it is something bad for me in the long term. All good things in my life came naturally to me, what was meant for me came flowing. I'm starting to notice this pattern. Even when I think about work, opportunities come to me naturally - yes, I work hard after that to deliver. When I try too hard, I don't get opportunities that I want. It's just a pattern in my life that I started noticing, not applicable to everyone.

Even when it comes to people, those that care about me and are meant to stay will stay. I don't have to prove my worth or anything.

Hoping and praying for things to turn around...

Google Maps - stop embarrassing me

Google map summary of my 'travel' is a bit too embarrassing for me.

I'm surprised they don't send me emails asking whether I'm under house arrest for some reason.

The only place I have visited frequently over the past three years is the bakery next door.

I've been out of Colombo once or twice over the past 3 years.

Over the past decade I've probably been out of Colombo less than 10 times.

If that doesn't make me sound like a hermit........

Apart from my immediate family members, I've probably spoken to only a handful of people over the past five years or so.

I've had days where I don't speak out loud at all.

Wonder what I have been doing with my human life.....