Impulse Control

 I recently read the book, Thinking Fast and Slow by Daniel Kahneman, it has interesting theories about the workings of the human mind. For example, What You See Is All There Is (WYSIATI) was probably the concept that really caught my eye. How our minds are made up about a person, situation or event only based on what we see. Intellectually we understand that there is more to any person or situation than we can see, yet, we make quick judgements on WYSIATI. Made me wonder whether any of us are in any control of our minds or bodies. If these are automatic mechanisms, what hope do we have to actually see things realistically?

Which brings me to impulse control. We tell kids to control themselves, get angry at them for not being able to do so. As adults, we struggle so much with so many impulses. Once you hit a certain age you are already wired to react to things based on your childhood and other traumatic experiences that you go through. How many of us can actually look within and understand why we behave the way we do? I for once have been struggling for some time with impulse control and quite frustrated that I haven't gotten better at controlling it. Maybe that's how I'm wired? Who decides human wiring mechanism anyway?

Which brings me to a statement made by the husband of social researcher Brené Brown. He pointed out to her that "people are doing the very best they can at any given moment".I remember reading that Brené Brown got angry hearing this, actually I got angry too. But several years later, I'm beginning to see the wisdom of that statement. Think about it. 

At any given moment, a person interacts with you based on his or her -

• childhood upbringing
• beliefs
• trauma
• fears
• internal relationship with self
• mood
• stress
• how he/she see the world
  
• religious beliefs
• (this list can go on)

 

 The point is, at any given moment, a person behaves based on all of these and more. When they know how to do things better, they will do things better. That's part of growth.

"people are doing the very best they can at any given moment"

I'm starting to warm up to this statement.....

 
 
 
 
 
 
 

A state of curfew

 With the complete halting of distribution of fuel to private vehicles, the roads are now deserted. Those who thought things cannot get any worse can actually see how things are getting worse. The crime rate keeps going up, frustration rising and overall the mood is doom and gloom.

With all this going on, I see the occasional posts on FB from people driven by altruism, posts about free transport to hospitals by private vehicle owners, transport to schools etc. Some offer to pay electricity and water bills to those who cannot afford it. The balance of it all makes life a bit more tolerable.

I keep wondering about whether to stay, if I let fear rule, I would want to go. But the thing is, the thought of leaving brings a deep resistance within me. In my experience, when I had to work too hard to get something, it is something bad for me in the long term. All good things in my life came naturally to me, what was meant for me came flowing. I'm starting to notice this pattern. Even when I think about work, opportunities come to me naturally - yes, I work hard after that to deliver. When I try too hard, I don't get opportunities that I want. It's just a pattern in my life that I started noticing, not applicable to everyone.

Even when it comes to people, those that care about me and are meant to stay will stay. I don't have to prove my worth or anything.

Hoping and praying for things to turn around...

Google Maps - stop embarrassing me

Google map summary of my 'travel' is a bit too embarrassing for me.

I'm surprised they don't send me emails asking whether I'm under house arrest for some reason.

The only place I have visited frequently over the past three years is the bakery next door.

I've been out of Colombo once or twice over the past 3 years.

Over the past decade I've probably been out of Colombo less than 10 times.

If that doesn't make me sound like a hermit........

Apart from my immediate family members, I've probably spoken to only a handful of people over the past five years or so.

I've had days where I don't speak out loud at all.

Wonder what I have been doing with my human life..... 

To All My Bullies

 You saw someone who was pure hearted

Pureness of her heart threatened your existence, you simply couldn't relate to her

You kept pushing her, belittling her, beating her

Yet, everyday she woke up, continued with her life

Covering up her scars, she marched on

She built a life on her own, stood on her own two feet

Yet, you kept hitting her mercilessly, knowing she would never strike back

You keep striking her because you know she can live without you

She is strong, you keep trying to break her spirit, yet her spirit is strong

All this time she thought you were powerful, yet today

Finally, she saw that you are the weak one

The one threatened by her pure innocent heart

Her heart will remain pure, despite your attempts to turn it dark, like yours

She is a pure being, a strong being, she will keep shining her light among your darkness

 

Poetry flow

Removing Thorns, Taking a Time Out and Intentional Silence

I first came across Michael Singer after watching him on an Oprah's super soul Sunday episode. I could not grasp his concept of letting go but I did understand (I think) about his concept of the thorn. When you are walking around with a thorn in your arm, wherever you go, whenever it touches a surface, or a person, you will get hurt.This is why you need to pay attention to your thoughts and feelings and observe them without reacting. When you do, you can identify the root cause(thorn) of your reactions and remove them. - this is how I understood the concept.

It's been over a decade since I read his book, I think I had a breakthrough. I started paying more attention to my inner child, and I noticed that with each interaction, I want to be seen and understood. It makes sense, the maternal parent never saw or understood me (she had her own struggles) this led to my adult self to look for people who saw me and understood me. The only problem is, this expectation only leads to disappointments. You see, no one in this world can ever know the path you have traveled, the silent battles you fought on your own and the trauma that you went through. Besides, everyone else have their own trauma and their own problems and they will treat you accordingly and some will make an effort to understand your journey, some will never do - simply because they do not have the capacity. 

This understanding helped me keep my peace of mind just last night. Mothers play a crucial part in a child's life, this is why a mother in a family should be supported and loved by the partner (Dr.Gabor Maté provides evidence on how a mother's emotions follows a child's life into adulthood). What happened last night - my mother who tried calling my phone (which was switched off), got my dad to call, my sibling and family. Without stopping there, she showed up at my door and started banging at my door, shouting and screaming. 

Why did she react like that?  I don't know, she has her own issues. I have zero control over her behavior, yes, she did wake up the neighbors, but only thing I was responsible for was my peace of mind. My mind would normally go into a major analysis mode in times like these and think of how to respond to her in a way that she would understand her own behavior and how it affects me. Since I let go of wanting to be understood, a word that was introduced to me by a dear friend came into my mind - තුෂ්නිම්භූත නිශ්ශබ්දතාවය. Hearing the word the first time lightened up my mood, and had the same effect yesterday. I had zero thoughts about my mom and zero reactions towards her. My experience - total peace of mind.

As for the situation in the country, no sign of anything getting sorted. The posts I see on FB with so much hatred is not going to solve anything, it only affects my own emotions. Decided to take a time out from the social media hatred as well. If I am to take care of anyone else, I have to remain calm and take care of my internal environment first. It's like the classic example of the oxygen mask - when you are traveling on a plane with a child, put on your oxygen mask first, and proceed to put the oxygen mask to your child. Why? because if you pass out, you can't help your child.

 

 If you are not familiar with Michael Singer, do check out this latest talk. 

Disclaimer - I have not affiliated in any way with these external links, these are just things I find during my self-exploration. Please don't sue me :)

The Thorn

 She looked this time, really looked and finally saw her

She was clutching her knees, her head buried deep

Her skin peeled off, bleeding and bruised, too young to understand her wounds

She finally looked up, showed her the thorns...."Do you see me"

She saw her, going through it all, she was too young to see it all

she never knew the words, what it all meant

As she grew older, hiding her wounds, she smiled, they all knew she was wounded

That's how she ended up there, she still didn't understand and went through it all in silence

He did what he wanted, knew which wounds to cut into more

Leaving her on the floor, bleeding to death, how much harm a ring can do

Never uttering a word, she went on, never calling it for what it really was

Yet, she still survived, hiding in a made-up world created in her own mind

How she always survives, living inside her head

 

 

 Poetry - flows on its own

 

Overwhelmed

 The sibling and family decided to leave the country and started the process. Since my parents are not on board with the idea, they are going to tell them at the last min. This scares me. The thought of my extremely clingy/controlling mother finding out that the sibling and family is leaving. The thought of how they will take the news scares me. They are old, this sort of news can be quite devastating. 

On the other hand, I'm bound to face her backlash since I will be held accountable for keeping secrets.

Sigh.

Work front is not letting me breathe. I was jobless for a few months and got more than enough freelance gigs that I'm struggling to complete. I don't want to lose any of them, but, there's only so much my mind can do during 24 hours.

Going to be a tough couple of days......the rising lack of fuel/food concerns is not helping to keep my mind steady either....

But, I did find an old Sinhala motivational book that I used to refer to like my Bible. Started reading it daily, seems to be helping.

Sold at crisis point

 A little background - the ex husband's family members have access to item X that is causing a lot of panic in the country due to its shortage.

A friend who I knew from school called me up yesterday inquiring about it. She asked me whether I can still call them up and get access (!???). I didn't even know how to respond to that. 

I politely responded that I'm going to stick to my principles.

'survival mode' does make things different around here.

Glennon and Abby

 I can't remember when I first came across Glennon Doyle`s work. I think I came across her blog and eventually found her books. When I found that her book Love Warrior was about how she saved her marriage after learning about her husband's infidelity, I thought it was fitting - I was looking for a reason to save my marriage at the time and thought it would give me some insight. 

I followed her life as she was figuring it all out, she was so relatable to me because she was raw and authentic about her mental state and how she saw the world. Her book Untamed shook something inside me. When the book came out, I already knew that I was working on a marriage that can never be saved. The truth in that book forced me to look at my own life and what I was not willing to see.

I have learned so much from her, and her podcast We Can Do Hard Things is filled with so much truth that every woman should hear. I learn a lot from listening to her podcast guests, but what I always love to see is how much Glennon and Abby love each other. I have never seen what real love looks like, but these two instances from their life gave me an idea.

1. Glennon found that she was cheated on by her husband of many years during a conversation at a couple's counseling session. After her divorce she met Abby, and Glennon describes one instance where she checks Abby's phone (because she still had trust issues). Abby's response to it when Glennon told her what she did was asking her, " what else do you need to see?" Abby was willing to share all her passwords and anything else she needed to reassure someone who was struggling with trust issues. She did it in the most kind and loving way. 
2. Second story is an instance where Abby wanted salt to do some sort of a treatment to their dog. Glennon who didn't want to go downstairs after getting into bed, reluctantly went downstairs and brought the bottle of pepper (by mistake). Abby looks at the bottle and says "Honey, that is pepper, not salt". I can imagine if I ever do that I would probably get yelled at asking why I can't even recognize pepper and salt and it will turn into a yelling match.

There are so many other stories of them, this doesn't mean they don't have arguments, but they do resolve all of it and choose each other daily.

 
 Love is not a chemical imbalance (limerence) as Hollywood tries to instill in your head. Love is choosing each other every single day in a loving kind compassionate manner. Love, kindness and forgiveness is all that is needed for any relationship to last a lifetime. 

Do check We Can Do Hard Things  podcast, its amazing and more than that, it will force you to look at your own life truthfully.
 

 
 Disclaimer - I have not affiliated in any way with these external links, these are just things I find during my self-exploration. Please don't sue me :)
 
 
 
 

The whole marriage/relationship/partner deal

 I make decisions based on observations. From childhood, I observed that all women who were married were deeply unhappy (the ones I have met). They always talked about marriage with resentment. My childhood mind noticed this and wondered whether it was for me. Maybe this was what shaped my decisions. I wanted the two kids in the picture married life, but told everyone I never want to get married because - well the stats speak for itself! How did I get married then? - it's not a story to be told here, but it did involve my mom reserving the hall first. Still, I naively thought that I can do it differently, I can have a better married life, because I knew how to communicate and do things differently. Little did I know that I was merely in a state of limerence and with a narcissist.

Now that I am divorced, I'm always asked that question, when will you settle down again?

Now let's look at the facts - again

1. No woman I have met (except one) have told me that they are happily married, in fact they get annoyed talking about their husbands.
2. I have noticed that eventually in most marriages, the couple starts spending time apart - due to work, or taking care of kids, or live in different countries - but they remain married.
3. A few celebrities who came on to the Drew Barrymore show (Sharon Stone, Drew Barrymore herself) said that, once the need to have a kid is gone, you really don't need a man.

why should I consider marriage again?

I don't mind having a partner to share my life actually, but at what cost. I was married to someone extremely moody and high tempered and exhibited road rage. It's difficult living with someone with that kind of a temper. Only thing I learned is, the person you choose as your partner should have your back, when life throws you curve balls and remain as a kind and compassionate human being. Another friend of mine who got married got to see her partner's temper only after she got married and was terrified - they remain married with two kids - and yes, live in different countries.

Which brings me to the two other successful celebrity marriages I have observed. Take George Clooney for example, his wife states that he is the kindest human being she had ever met, and Shania Twain's husband - also the most kind and loving human being according to her. See a common theme there? Needless to say, a kind loving human being would communicate with you during arguments without stonewalling or turning it into a yelling match.

It's not the outside appearance or anything that finally maintains the bond - its kindness. Especially during times like these, with enough stressors all around you, you need a kind loving soul to share your day. 

 If property and other things are what you look for, then you can make your own choices accordingly.

Kindness first, always look for kindness first if peace of mind is a priority in your life.

P.S. The one friend who is the only woman that I know who is happily married, is married to someone who initially went to a seminary. Makes sense why she is happy, doesn't it.

 

Limerence

 

'Falling in love is not real love, it is called limerence. Real love is a choice, that requires discipline and grows over time, usually several years.' I came across the word limerence while reading 'The five love languages'. What on earth is limerence? I turned to YouTube, that led me to a shocking discovery.

 I have never been in love, I have always been in limerence 👀. That explains all my disastrous relationships, including my failed marriage. (as a child who was never hugged, who was mainly dismissed by the maternal parent and who was brought up in an isolated environment, I can finally see how my childhood abandonment, codependency and lack of love led me to be obsessed with wanting a real relationship - only to end up in limerence)                                                                                                                                       

limerence checklist  (as mentioned here )

1. Obsessive thoughts about your partner
2. Emotional dependence
3. Projecting fantasy
4. Impaired functioning

Looking back at my failed marriage and 'love' interests before that, I think I can check all the boxes. I emotionally depend on the 'love' interest, obsessively thinking, fantasizing about the life 'we' can build to the point of losing track of my own time and work. Giving up my day job for the ex-husband was part of it I think, I'm surprised that limerence state lasted years, it also makes sense why all the red flags were waived off by my mind.Getting trapped in a narcissistic marriage, while being the emotionally unstable person I am, was a typical match made in.....💀. I didn't realize how unhealthy my attachment style is, and how I have never really loved anyone. 

Love is indeed the state where two people can be secure with each other, knowing each other have flaws, and making a conscious choice everyday to love (develops over years). Love is a choice, not some chemical imbalance. 

Admitting that I have a problem is the first step to recovering from an addiction (Russel Brand's videos help me a lot) .

I have a long way to go (sigh).

 

Disclaimer - I have not affiliated in any way with these external links, these are just things I find during my self-exploration. Please don't sue me :)

Work from Home

Having too much time at day jobs has always been a problem for me. I worked at standard 9-5 jobs for like a decade, I always finish work and wait around so that I could go home. The last full-time job kept me busy, I even worked during weekends, but the second the projects stopped, I was simply going to work and coming home without doing anything. Talked to the boss about making it a flexible job or give me more work (this was before COVID). He refused to give me flexible times - I guess he had to adjust after covid (*smirk*).

Thanks to the economic crisis, my freelance gigs started to dry up, so with desperation I started applying for full-time jobs.

I was surprised to find that with the fuel crisis, and post covid most of the companies were quite adamant about reporting to the office. The type of work I applied to can easily be done from home, but alas, without even trying out a trial period, they insisted on traveling to see their faces everyday a must. I really don't mind going a few days a week, if the salary covers the travel cost, but why on earth would I spend out of my pocket to go to work? One recent place offered me Rs.18K, yes, you read it right, Rs.18,000 per month, for a five day go-to-office job.

Other reasons I'm reluctant to go to office

1.Bureaucratic nonsense

 I'm one of those 'let me get the job done' type. I can't chat about personal issues, other people's gossip and all that jazz, frankly because I do not want to - it's a work place, people can use your personal information against you. For example, one HR manager specifically asked me whether I can join their 'lunch club' - criteria to join -  (a) eat a lot and (b) gossip. I have never been a part of mean girls club in school and I had no intention to play at these childish games. Fortunately there was one older gentleman of another religion who shared his wisdom about life, which allowed me enough space to avoid the lunch club during lunch :D

2. Party's/Weddings/ all that jazz

You tend to get invited to more social events when you go to work. Yes, those are important, but sometimes you get invited just because you work there - these are completely unnecessary and a complete waste of time. I'm very selective about what goes into my head, so I make sure to avoid places with gossip. 

3. Disturbances

At every workplace, I always get interrupted by some colleague who comes running to my desk with some gossip or some story when I'm deeply focused on the work at hand. This makes the work day completely unproductive for me and I often ended up taking work home.

4. The extra travel time

Spiritual growth is my priority in life. I like putting new information in my head about anything related to spiritual growth, when I travel to work and sit there doing nothing that is 10 hours spent listening to gossip and other nonsense.

This doesn't mean I'm some no fun office weirdo (maybe I am :D), well there have been some work places that we had the whole 'work hard, play hard' scenario. 

After years of being off full-time work, I am back applying for jobs thanks to the current economy. Let's see how things turn out. 

Until then, I work from home Heaven.

Migrate Migrate Migrate!!!

 Everyone is migrating, you should go too.

A common phrase among Sri Lankans who have somewhat of a capacity to migrate. The stats mentioned that the migration rate is almost 200%, which makes sense, considering the state of the country.

Fuel lines, lack of food, increasing food price and crime rate would make anyone to consider migration, and I fully understand and support it.

Yes, I wanted to migrate as well, fresh off the shock of the divorce, the only thing I wanted to do was to leave the country and start over.

                                                   

  Starting Over  💭💭

 Starting over, what does that mean exactly. I used to like that phrase, but I'm starting to see that it has the same vibe as the 'I'll be happy when I get......' phrase (you won't be happy when you get XYZ because of a phenomenon called hedonic adaptation. Another reason to practice finding that inner contentment -will explore more of that later). Not having the basic necessities like having food to eat really is a reason to go somewhere else. But, for now, I'm going to stay put. Why you may ask?

1. For me, the reason to leave the country was an emotional decision. I just wanted to get away from this country that reminded me of all the disastrous decisions I have made over the past decade. Making emotional decisions always backfires. So, once that dust settled, I didn't get the urge to leave.
2. I have parents and pets to think about. The dog belongs to my parents and I have a cat. The thought of putting my cat on a plane along with cargo scares me. (and yes, just like any other parent from the baby boomer generation, my parents want to stay here).
3. The external voices (that are asking me to migrate) are too loud. If there's anything I have learned from all my mistakes is, everytime I listened to those external voices, I have made mistakes. I need to continue to hone my ability to listen to that still small voice that guides me in the right direction.
4. Taking decisions on a whim and taking off just like that to 'start over' may work for some people, I'm not one of those people. even if I do go off to another country, I would probably think about coming back to see how I can help those who are stuck here (or I will be in another country sending funds to charity organizations here). Either way, I don't think I can forget about where I was born. (yes,as stated in Buddhism, you are supposed to practice detachment and forget thy self, I'm not just there yet).
5. I have struggled to find a home, a place to belong, for such a long time. I have always been the odd one out, the weird one who never talks to people or socialize, so I don't think being an alien in another country is going to help my abandonment issues. Besides, the wisdom of Najwa Zebian opened my eyes to the concept of home - A home is a place you build within yourself.
   

Well, that's about it. I'm all set here, for now. Praying for things to turn around for the better. 

Until then, let's ride these waves together. 

More on Hedonic Adaptation here.

More on Najwa Zebian here. 

Disclaimer - I have not affiliated in any way with these external links, these are just things I find during my self-exploration.Please don't sue me :)