Limerence

 

'Falling in love is not real love, it is called limerence. Real love is a choice, that requires discipline and grows over time, usually several years.' I came across the word limerence while reading 'The five love languages'. What on earth is limerence? I turned to YouTube, that led me to a shocking discovery.

 I have never been in love, I have always been in limerence 👀. That explains all my disastrous relationships, including my failed marriage. (as a child who was never hugged, who was mainly dismissed by the maternal parent and who was brought up in an isolated environment, I can finally see how my childhood abandonment, codependency and lack of love led me to be obsessed with wanting a real relationship - only to end up in limerence)                                                                                                                                       

limerence checklist  (as mentioned here )

1. Obsessive thoughts about your partner
2. Emotional dependence
3. Projecting fantasy
4. Impaired functioning

Looking back at my failed marriage and 'love' interests before that, I think I can check all the boxes. I emotionally depend on the 'love' interest, obsessively thinking, fantasizing about the life 'we' can build to the point of losing track of my own time and work. Giving up my day job for the ex-husband was part of it I think, I'm surprised that limerence state lasted years, it also makes sense why all the red flags were waived off by my mind.Getting trapped in a narcissistic marriage, while being the emotionally unstable person I am, was a typical match made in.....💀. I didn't realize how unhealthy my attachment style is, and how I have never really loved anyone. 

Love is indeed the state where two people can be secure with each other, knowing each other have flaws, and making a conscious choice everyday to love (develops over years). Love is a choice, not some chemical imbalance. 

Admitting that I have a problem is the first step to recovering from an addiction (Russel Brand's videos help me a lot) .

I have a long way to go (sigh).

 

Disclaimer - I have not affiliated in any way with these external links, these are just things I find during my self-exploration. Please don't sue me :)